Fifty Bucks Is Fifty Bucks!

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would say, "Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Norma always replied, "I know Ed,but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, "Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Norma replied, "Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks' I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his scariest daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Ed replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

Bar Hopping Deer

Two deer walked out of a bar. One turns to the other and says, “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”.

The 2 A.M. Lecture

A middle-aged businessman was stopped at 2 A.M. by the police, walking home in what appeared to be a drunken fashion, stumbling through the streets.

The officer asked the man where he was going and he explained that he was just headed to a lecture on the importance of a stable home life, and the ill effects of smoking, drinking alcohol, and staying out at night rather than sleeping.

"Really? And just who would be giving a lecture at two in the morning?" the cop asked.

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

The Church Dinner

A group of friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them so they must be OK." So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead."

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet, "You know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

Remember Bill Clinton?

President Bill Clinton had just returned from a vacation in Arkansas and walked down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms.

At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman stepped forward and remarked, "Nice pigs, Mr. President."

Clinton replied, "I'll say, these are genuine Arkansas Razorback hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary. What do you think?"

The soldier replied, "Nice trade, Sir."

Doctor's Best Advice

A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical examination.
“Doc, do you think I’ll live another 40 years and reach 100 years old?” he asks.

“That depends,” says the doctor. “Do you smoke?”
“No," the man answers.

“Do you drink?”
“No, absolutely never," the man answers.

“Do you fool around with loose women?”
“No, of course not," the man answers.

”Well, then,” says the doctor. “Why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?”

The Suspicious Rich Wife

A rich woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid,
so she laid a trap to catch him.

One evening she sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the same old story that had made her suspicious, "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches", and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. Sure enough the door creaked open and he creeped in, sliding under the covers and without even asking making passionate love to the rich wife!

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said, "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...

"No madam", said the Gardener…

The Best Marriage Counselor Ever

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling.

They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" he asked.

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - 10 - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. The counselor looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Amish At The Mall

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is, Son."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."